Lying infuriates adults. The funny thing is, though, that it is the adults that often set the child up. It goes like this:

Mum heard that Greg was seen throwing stones at another child:

"Hi Greg, what have you been doing today?" [Why would I tell you if you don't know for sure?]

"What do you mean? I haven't been doing anything", he replies looking innocent but confused.

"Did you throw rocks at the new girl?" [Maybe I can still get away with it]

"No.", he answers, startled that you could think such a thing of him.

"Interesting, since Mavis said you did."

"It was some other kid. I wouldn't do that." [She'll believe me over some nosy neighbour!]

"She sounded positive that it was you, Greg."

"Well, she's wrong, it wasn't me!"

Mum's first mistake was to offer him a way out, and then immediately corner him. Now they have to face off. Does Mum believe Mavis, or is there room for doubt? Greg does sound pretty sure of himself. Maybe it was another kid. If she lets him off now she'll have to tell him how sorry she is. If she believes he's guilty, she will have to punish him both for lying and for throwing stones.

Most children will lie to get out of trouble. Your job is to encourage them to tell the truth, not tempt them to lie more. That means that there must be some definite benefit for confessing, rather than trying to wriggle out of it. First you need to lay some foundations of truth and honesty in your home. Make sure that you, yourself, don't lie. Get into the habit of noticing and rewarding honesty and truthfulness. Talk about the value of honesty, and a good reputation. Demonstrate that honesty is a Good Thing, and that it gets rewarded.

If you do suspect them of lying or some other bad deed, don't lose your temper.

If you know what they have done, do not ask them, "Did you do it?" Why tempt them? Tell them what you know, and dish out the consequences.

You can also ask him to tell you the truth. Here is an example that won't giver him the option to lie about it:

"Greg, Mavis has told me about something she saw this afternoon. I would like to know what happened. But before you tell me, I want you to go away and think about it for 15 minutes. And remember, we value honesty in this household."

This gives Greg the chance to settle down and think about his problem. He can dig a deeper hole for himself, or he can tell his mum the truth. If he decides to take the honest route, be sure to praise him. If he sticks to the lie, then punish him both for lying and for the deed.

When things quiet down, sit down with Greg and talk about what feelings may have led up to the incident. Maybe he was angry, envious, or insecure. Tell him that those feelings are natural and okay to feel, but that still doesn't excuse behaving badly. Be patient with him. He won't be willing to talk with you until he knows that you aren't' going to get excited and yell at him.

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