Create a strong reader focus

Target what the reader will get from your message, rather than what you’ll give. Say you wrote this line for a brochure:

At Millboro Industries, we believe that quality is critical to our customers. That is why our engineers inspect all our products twice before delivery.

The message focuses entirely on Millboro Industries. Shift the words a little, and you have:

Since quality is critical to your success, our engineers inspect all our products twice before delivering them.

In other cases you might write a line like this one:

We wanted to let you know that we are giving a tote bag and a CD of Beethoven’s 9th Symphony with every $50 donation you make to our station.

Here is a classic example of missed opportunity. Rather then tell your readers immediately about the free gift, this line focuses unnecessarily on the radio station, placing “we” twice in the first eight words. Instead, write:

You’ll receive a tote bag and a CD of Beethoven’s 9th Symphony with every $50 donation you make to our station.