What’s Your Opening Line?

Four seconds is too long. Three seconds is too long. When writing, you must snag your readers’ attention in the time they take to click a TV remote — approximately one second, or, in writing terms, four words. Just as important, you must compete with the volumes of sales and marketing materials that reach their homes and offices daily, some of it as tasteless as Elvis on velvet.

A good illustration is a piece I received in the mail yesterday. On the cover, a sketch of the infamous Dick Clark and Ed McMahon. Just above the picture, a message that looked like this:

If you have & return winning prize claim number, we’ll say . . . SUSAN BENJAMIN, YOU’VE CLEARED THAT FINAL HURDLE — YOU’RE MASSACHUSETTS’ TOP WINNER — GUARANTEED A FULL $11,000,000!Naturally, my attention immediately went to the $11 million line, my heart doing a thump and a half at my sudden luck. I didn’t even notice that qualifying comment — about how I had to have that elusive winning claim number — until I searched for it. Just beneath was another shamelessly misleading notice:

URGENT WARNING: Enclosed documents are extremely sensitive. $2,000.00 FINE OR 5 YEARS IMPRISONMENT or both for any person who tampers with or obstructs delivery of mail intended for someone else: U.S. Code Title 18, Sec. 1702

What a setup! This urgent notice applies to any mailed document, from your child’s note from summer camp to a parking ticket. Yet some clever PR team positioned it so that it appears to apply to the sweepstakes letter only. So, how do you compete, while maintaining a business tone and professional integrity? You can’t give away $11 million. But you can personalize your message by following these tips.

Discard those has-been openings. Sure, they’re as comforting as an old sweater, but how many times have you read or written this:

I enjoyed speaking with you on the phone last week.

This line is so overdone it sounds completely insincere. The alternative lies in unique and specific words. And no, you don’t have to be a Pulitzer Prize winner to use them. Nor must you spend hours oozing a heartfelt message. Instead, be exact. You enjoyed speaking to your reader? What did you enjoy talking about? If you talked about some changes in your reader’s company you might write:

Thanks for sharing your insights into TeleCom’s plans.

If you’re writing a sales document, you may have had a long and friendly conversation with your potential customer. Start with an I hope . . .” opening that recalls the personal side of your conversation. For example, if your client mentioned that he or she was taking two weeks off to go hiking in the mountains, you could start the letter with this line:

I hope you had a great two weeks away — the weather certainly was perfect for hiking.

Or perhaps you acted on information your reader passed along during your conversation. Then you’d write:

I immediately contacted John Houghton after we talked on Friday.

This is especially significant when you’re answering complaints:

Thank you for letting me know about the error with your bill. Since we spoke, I have met with our accounting vice president, who supplied the necessary information.

Now, consider this proposal line:

Our company is committed to meeting your needs.

Frankly, no one cares about your company’s commitment. Rather, readers care about your company’s action and how it will affect them. Are you having a 40-percent-off sale? Tell them that. Avoid little words and phrases that bore even the most intrigued audience, such as “As you probably know.” If your readers probably know it, why say it? Cut the phrase. Look at this line:

I wanted to write you to tell you about our special 40% off by-invitation-only sale.

Again, a bore. The opening is so dense the reader probably won’t hack to the end where the really important message lies waiting. Cut and flip the words so you have:

Please attend our special, by-invitation-only 40% off sale.
Or, you could emphasize the “by invitation only” and “40% off” points by placing them first in the sentence:

Please attend our by-invitation-only, 40% off sale on November 9.

Look at this deadweight from an all-too-typical business letter:

Enclosed please find the data you requested.

The revision could be more personal:

As I promised on Monday, I’m sending along data about Pilgrim National’s retirement plans.

Or, you could embed the “enclosed,” in something interesting about the enclosure:

As the enclosed data reveal, 65% of all Californians prefer our plans over all others.